Tag: cookies

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katie’s red velvet orgasms

‘Oh what a tangled web we weave/When first we practice to TikTok instead of sleep’ 

-Sir Walter Scott (the 2023 remix)

While unable to sleep the other evening, I got lost in the tangled web of TikTok cooking/recipe videos. It’s comical (or scary as fuck) how the audience targeting of the popular social media site can read your mind, not just your online and everyday activities. I relate it to how the lyrics of every Taylor Swift song know the exact feeling of every trauma, happiness, and mood you have ever been in throughout your entire life. Now, I don’t think Taylor has reporting and analytics programmed and calibrated inside her brilliant brain as she as writing these magical Nostradamus-esque ballads…HOWEVER, I do think she has an innate algorithm tapped directly into the human spirit. It’s genius and I feed off of it.

As my eyes gazed upon my Apple 14 Pro Max screen, I decided to take a much needed break from true-crime and cute otter videos to focus these twight hours into embracing the culinary stylings of chefs from all walks of life. Let’s do this.

I came across one particular video that inspired me. It involved boxed cake mix, an egg, confectionary sugar, and Cool Whip. Being a true creature of habit, I decided to take the idea and make it my own, doctoring the recipe to my own creation (which would obviously make it better).

Are they healthy? Fuck no. But I promise they won’t make you sad. Enjoy.

katie’s red velvet* orgasms

Ingredients

  1. any box of red velvet cake mix
  2. chocolate Jell-O pudding mix (in powder form, don’t make it)
  3. tablespoon of vanilla extract
  4. whole tub of Cool Whip (I used triple cream)
  5. 1 egg
  6. separate bowl of confectionary sugar

*please note that this recipe can be any flavor; simply swap the cake mix with the corresponding pudding. all other ingredients will remain.

Directions

  1. preheat oven to 350′
  2. mix ingredients 1-5
  3. butter a cookie sheet
  4. scoop dollop of batter and plop into separate bowl of confectionary sugar (#6)
  5. form into balls and make sure every inch is covered in the white powder
  6. place balls about 2″ from each other on the sheet
  7. cook for 11 minutes
  8. use an oven mitt– and remove tray from the oven (i note this particularly because i may or may not have burned my hand omitting this logical step when i attempted it)
  9. wait 1 minute and then, using a spatula, collect each cookie onto a cooling rack
  10. try not to eat all of them

for added orgasm-ness, make a sandwich using two cookies as the bread and your favorite ice cream flavor as the filling. i’d personally select chocolate, coffee, or vanilla bean.
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leftovers.

It’s been a while since I have written (you know, life and all), and I promise I am not turning this into a recipe blog, but I do have one that I must share due to popular request.

If you’ve read this post, you’d know my feelings about Halloween. If not, don’t worry- you won’t miss anything. I digress. 

This year I had a bunch of leftover Halloween candy. Big bars. I pondered what to do with the leftovers (I was shocked to have leftovers, considering I let people take 2), so instinctually I thought of my colligate step son, Gunnar. I feel bad because the moment I text him about mailing it down to him- to which he replied “YES!”- I already had another idea for what I was going to do with it. Oops. Sorry, Gunnar. Next time. Maybe. 

Disclaimer: it doesn’t have to be “leftover” Halloween candy to make these. You can totally make them on purpose with purchased candy bars from the grocery store.  I’ll allow it.  

Katie’s Left-Over Halloween Candy Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies 

Ingredients:  (caveat: I do NOT measure, all sizing is approximate)

Before we begin- preheat that oven to 375. If you have access to music or a Kitchen TV, please put on your favorite background noise. I believe I was watching Nurse Jackie at the time. It very well could have been Gossip Girl, but I’m pretty confident it was NJ. 

NOW, what you’ll need:

  • 3 cups of Oats (I mean really, start the day with Quaker)
  • 1 1/2 cups of Flour 
  • 2-3 tablespoons of vanilla extract. To me, you can NEVER have enough vanilla- as it cuts the “floury” flavor.  Also, if you click the link, there are apparently healthy benefits of it as well.
  • Brown & White Sugar (recipes will say 3/4 cup of each, but I do a cup of brown and 1/4 of raw sugar)
  • tsp of baking soda
  • 2 eggs (no link for this- mine came from my back yard chickens)
  • 1 cup to 1 1/2 cups of butter.  I discovered THIS BUTTER at Market Basket- and I will never use another.
  • Salt.  Most people will say 1/4 tsp, but I like the salt with the chocolate, so I add a little more. Perhaps you are on a diet without salt. No harm no foul. Simply omit this step.
  • 1/2 cup of mini chocolate chips
  • Extra Halloween Candy chopped.  For mine, I used Snickers, Reese’s Fast Break and Reese’s Outrageous Pieces. Don’t chop them tiny- I suggest once down the center and then in 1/4 inch cuts. I believe I used a bout 4 BIG bars in all.

I like to melt the butter, then blend the sugar until its smooth. Add vanilla and eggs. In a separate bowl- combine flour, salt and baking soda. Then add oats to the powder mix.  SLOWLY combine the powder to the sugar/butter/vanilla mix until all combined.  NOW add our chocolate chips, then finally the candy pieces. Should be a nice thick mix of wonderfulness at this point. If I missed anything, just add it. 

Put tsp or TBS spoon size portions on a baking sheet (cookie sheet silicone is a miracle)- about 2 inches apart.

Bake for 11-12 minutes. Cool on cookie rack. They WILL be mushy right out of the oven, so be delicate about getting them onto cooling rack. That will change to a chewy deliciousness you can hide in a cookie jar or do something a little more adventurous.

Enjoy.

these are not fat free.