not for the faint of heart.

This might be a long one, but if you are a 30-something woman reading this, bear with me because you just might relate.

Through the years, I have always tried to stay fit, but occasionally, I will spice up my routine with a new fitness craze. I’m not trying to channel Patrick Bateman or anything, I just get bored with my usual running/bike/elliptical routine. I’ve tried barre, spin, step, Tae Bo, plyometrics, YouTube videos for problem areas, weights, zumba, and yoga. Well, today I tried something new: bikram yoga.

i mist say i was a little surprised with his choice of the tighy-whitey.
i mist say i was a little surprised with Patrick’s choice of the tighty-whitey.

Note, I will NEVER do the following trends: Cross Fit, Strip-aerobics, jazzercize, aerial yoga, or any kind of a boot camp. This list will probably grow in time.

Barre was awesome in theory. Every article I had read basically told me I would look like a supermodel by the time I was done. So, I went three times, until plantar fasciitis made its home within my foot. Anyone who has had the pleasure of that ailment knows the pleasure it brings. NextI’ll be a supermodel another time.

Spin I love. I began my love affair with spin in Chicago. It was the teacher, really, but I also liked the physical results. Then, I found a teacher here who used weights during, and was equally as fantastic and energetic as my Chicago spin instructor- so I was hooked again. Lately, I have not been because I’m just too damn tired to get up for the 7:30am Saturday class. I attempted to go this weekend, but having just got back from a trip- I opted for laundry instead and hit the gym around 11am. Hi treadmill, I missed you.

Step was a college thing. I used to do the advertising for Campus Recreation, so I took the classes of my friends who were studying to become instructors. It was fun. I fell a lot.

Tae Bo I don’t even remember when I did this, I think also college. Double and triple time killed me. Where is Billy Blanks these days anyway?

Plyometrics was awesome until a friend of mine broke his foot mid-class during one of the jumps. Yep, next.

YouTube I still do sometimes. I’m most recently in some pain because of this inner thigh workout. I did it twice this last week. Try it, you’ll see what I’m talking about. Then try it two days in a row. Ouch. I will probably do it again this week once I stop limping.

Weights are an “every once in a while” thing. I know I should do them more, but I also know that when I do them too much my arms make some smaller men jealous. No, thank you.  But yes, I can probably beat you in an arm wrestling match. Sorry, I’m German- it’s natural.

Zumba: I was laughing at my lanky body in the mirror the whole time. Seriously. I just kept laughing. There are mirrors everywhere! While I did find this fun as hell, I don’t think I would waste another hour of my life humiliating myself with just how white I really am.

Yoga was something I REALLY wanted to get good at. A lifetime of running without stretching has left my body a knotted mess of lactic acid. I have tried with individual instructors, small classes, beginner and advanced teachers- I just don’t think my body was meant to bend that way. I also got really creeped out when they touch your feet. I’m all set with their bendy ways. That is awesome that you can touch your toes- show off.

TODAY was going to be different. Today was the day I was going to do BIKRAM YOGA and be good at it! I would go to the whole 90 minute class, love the heat, sweat and feel amazing. I even convinced my friend Beth to go with me- which is a feat, getting her out of bed early, on her one day to sleep in. Sure, she gave me a few caveats: “Katie, it’s really hot.” “Katie, it will smell.” “Katie, when I pass out, you are carrying me.”

I lasted 34 minutes before starting to see stars and black out.

We left. Fuck you, Bikram Yoga. 

Guess I better update my iPhone with some new songs cause tramps like us, baby, we were born to run.  So true, Bruce, so true.

 

cacao.

I decided to bite the bullet and invest in some better workout clothing.  I won’t mention that it was randomly hailing in Maine, in April, or that the cobblestone streets in the Old Port are a pain in the ass on my tires, but I will mention how awkward the experience was for me.  First, this was what greeted me as I stood in said hail:

i don't believe your use of "namaste" in this instance.
i don’t believe your use of “namaste” in this instance.

I waited 20 minutes for the damn store to open.  Side note: They are only open from 11-5pm.  How the hell do they get a lunch break too?? The work ethic here is outstanding.  After spending the quickest $90 of my life on a shirt and sports bra, and being treated like an outsider by the lemmings in the lululemon, I was on my way.  When I told Brad how the ladies treated me in the store, he suggested I should not have purchased anything at all.  We would return, all dressed up, the next day with shopping bags, circa 1990.  “You guys work on commission right? Big mistake, huge.”  I don’t know what it is about a really attractive man quoting Pretty Woman, but damn that was hot. 

I found a local studio that has the class I have been curious to take.  It’s called barre. (I stole this next sentence off the website I cited a moment ago) “The barre method is influenced by classical ballet barre technique, Pilates, yoga, and orthopedic exercises.”  I took it Saturday and loved it.  Aside from the fact I need a LOT of work on my flexibility, upper arm strength and abs, I think I did pretty good for my first time.  I’ll return- as my abs are killing me right now. I’ve been told that’s a good thing- by people with stomach muscles.  I will note that I was happy to be acquainted with the instructor, Kristy.  She is sweet and friendly and attends the Catapult events.  She is all those qualities, that is, until she starts class. She turned into a drill instructor in about two seconds!  I’m not knocking her though, trust me, she makes you work your butt off, as you’re too scared to let her down!  🙂

After class I was feeling extra “health conscious” (and obviously I looked it with my new duds and “I totally just worked out” hair) and took a trip to the local health food store.  The staff was very friendly and helpful, alas, they could tell I was a rookie.  I guess I didn’t fool them.

It is expensive to be healthy! Total bill: $64 for the following ingredients: cacao powder, organic natural honey (this item the sales girl laughed at because how can honey NOT be organic?), raw ground almonds, raw unsweetened coconut flakes, Celtic sea salt and a Kombucha.

I was having my brakes replaced, so I had my mother’s car for the morning.  I could either go home and wait for Brad to follow me to return the car, or I could make my mother smile by watching her choir practice- then make her take me home.  I decided to watch mom sing.  I was excited to see she took my advice and bought a new pair of jeans.  She looked great, actually.  And she informed me that a family friend, Cathy, advised her never to leave the house without a pair of “bling” on (mom went with a multi colored necklace).  So, she had bling, new jeans and a smile.  She’d never looked better to me.  When we got home, of course, I locked myself out.  Times like these I love NH (I lived on the 20th floor of a highrise in Chicago), as I left a window unlocked. Problem solved. 

Getting back to my day of health, I decided to make these.  It’s a little expensive and messy, but worth it in the end.  Ingredients listed above, aside from the drink.

#organic.
#organic.

 You basically mix everything together, except for the coconut, getting your hands a wonderful shade of dark brown.  You put them into little balls (hehe) and then roll them into the coconut, covering them.  It suggests to put them in the freezer, but I think they were fine as they were.  You can do what you like. 

End result:

brad liked them. success! :)
brad liked them. success! 🙂

 Cool thing about these truffles is that you look like you’re a gourmet cook, while you actually only need the skills of a 2 year old with play-doh. 

So, I will give this healthy thing a try for a little while.  Who’s with me?  #healthyliving