‘Oh what a tangled web we weave/When first we practice to TikTok instead of sleep’
-Sir Walter Scott (the 2023 remix)
While unable to sleep the other evening, I got lost in the tangled web of TikTok cooking/recipe videos. It’s comical (or scary as fuck) how the audience targeting of the popular social media site can read your mind, not just your online and everyday activities. I relate it to how the lyrics of every Taylor Swift song know the exact feeling of every trauma, happiness, and mood you have ever been in throughout your entire life. Now, I don’t think Taylor has reporting and analytics programmed and calibrated inside her brilliant brain as she as writing these magical Nostradamus-esque ballads…HOWEVER, I do think she has an innate algorithm tapped directly into the human spirit. It’s genius and I feed off of it.
As my eyes gazed upon my Apple 14 Pro Max screen, I decided to take a much needed break from true-crime and cute otter videos to focus these twight hours into embracing the culinary stylings of chefs from all walks of life. Let’s do this.
I came across one particular video that inspired me. It involved boxed cake mix, an egg, confectionary sugar, and Cool Whip. Being a true creature of habit, I decided to take the idea and make it my own, doctoring the recipe to my own creation (which would obviously make it better).
Are they healthy? Fuck no. But I promise they won’t make you sad. Enjoy.
katie’s red velvet* orgasms
any box of red velvet cake mix
chocolate Jell-O pudding mix (in powder form, don’t make it)
tablespoon of vanilla extract
whole tub of Cool Whip (I used triple cream)
separate bowl of confectionary sugar
*please note that this recipe can be any flavor; simply swap the cake mix with the corresponding pudding. all other ingredients will remain.
I have a secret. I’m really really good at something…
Now, while I like to think having a gift or talent holds true for everyone, I certainly know it absolutely is in my case. I’m not being cocky (well, maybe a little), but my mashed potatoes never fail to be complimented. Ever.
In the spirit of the season of thanks and giving, I am now passing it on to all of you.
Trust me. Make them. Now. Your family will hoard the leftovers. Hell, my mother hides a portion of them in the freezer so she can devour them in secrecy at a later date. There might be tears of joy. There might be arm wrestling or thumb wars to compete for the last bite. I won’t apologize for any of it.
Just trust me and make them. And you’re welcome.
Caveat: THESE ARE NOT FAT FREE, at all.
katie’s mashed potatoes.
You will need:
A big bag of baby or regular red potatoes
NO LESS THAN 2 sticks of BUTTER (do not use any substitutes)
1/2 Cup of milk (I use A2) to taste because you don’t want it watery. If you feel you put too much, just turn the burner back on and it will evaporate some of the moisture
A full block of philly cream cheese (or more)*
LOTS of fresh or dried DILL weed. Add until it looks like you are using too much, but trust me- it makes everything smooth.
Salt and pepper to taste
Leave the skin on the potatoes, cut in half or quarters and throw in your large pot
The water in the pot should be filled to just above the top of the highest potato
Boil on high in large pot until you can flake off with a fork
Drain potatoes in the sink
Put 1 stick or 1/2 cup of butter in the original pot used to boil potatoes, when melted then add the drained potatoes
Add all remaining ingredients, one at a time
Add more butter
You probably need even more butter
Now, decided what you might need to add more of… My advice is to include a cooking partner (aka taste-tester) to help with these decisions
The desired taste should be TOOOOO creamy and eyes should roll back of their head upon fork entering mouth
*Sometimes I add 1/2 to full vidalia onion (chopped and boiled with the potato). I also sometimes sub basil for dill and sour cream for cream cheese. It’s equally delicious, just depends on your taste, mood or complementing protein.
Prepping note: I prefer to use a hand masher; trust me it makes it better. A blender or a food processor will make them too smooth, or whipped (which then disqualifies it from being my recipe). You want them smooth, but with genuine texture. My advice is to smash until most of the lumps are gone and all the ingredients are melted and mixed. It should look like speckled kinda lumpy perfection when you are done.